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I’m Glad I Married My Husband; He’s Great To Be In A Divorce With

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” – Louis L ’Amour

Eighteen years ago the world I’d always trusted came crashing down on me. I had been engaged for about five days when I discovered that the man I loved had a substance abuse problem. The next year included therapy, extreme weight loss, multiple occasions of drug use discovery, and severe panic attacks until we both realized that his addiction was slowly killing our relationship – which by now had become a marriage.

Why did I marry my fiancé just as I was learning he had a substance abuse problem? We honestly believed we loved each other as much as a marriage would ever need. Plus, I had never met an addict before — he wasn’t like any addicts you see on TV. He went to work. He helped around the house. He was brilliant and funny. He was also tortured. And I was absolutely certain that I could love him enough to save him.

We went to doctors, chiropractors and a psychiatrist renowned for treating anxiety-induced addiction. We took yoga and behavior-modification; we held hands and cried and went to couples therapy. Pretty soon I realized I had a problem — I wasn’t able to separate myself from my husband. Whatever he was feeling, I was feeling, too. Within months I had dropped 10 pounds, too, and I was having panic attacks – like the one in the hardware store, where I sat huddled on an aisle floor while they paged my husband over the PA. This was not like me – responsible, confident, Type-A. I began going to therapy myself.

It was the worst first year of marriage I could imagine. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

For 12 years we did the co-dependent dance. My husband would stop doing drugs. He would make promises and we would make progress. Then I would notice that something was off. I would ask if he was doing drugs and he would tell me no. Then I would feel bad for thinking he was doing drugs. Eventually, I would discover the drug use, and I’d feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy promises not to take the football away. But we never stopped trying to rebuild our relationship.

Over the next several years I learned what “enabling” meant. I realized I had a need to save people and the capacity to forgive my husband and myself over and over again when trust was betrayed. Until one day, I thought maybe I didn’t want to do this anymore. But we had a son by now – a miracle – and I could not imagine breaking up his family.

Things got worse before they got bitter. I fanned a flame of resentment that acted like a wall around my heart. I didn’t want to keep loving my husband because I didn’t want to get hurt again. I thought I’d stay in that state of limbo forever.

Then one day, I discovered once again that my husband was using, and suddenly I saw the possibility of divorce from a totally different perspective. This time I didn’t think, “how can I do this to my son?” but rather, “how can I NOT do this FOR my son?”

For the first time I felt empowered enough to make a healthy change. My husband and I separated in November. It was the end of everything. And that’s when it all really began.

Within two months, on his own accord, my husband checked himself into rehab. He worked hard and went to meetings and moved to a halfway house. My son and I visited, attended meetings, supported his dad, and learned to live without him. It was the saddest time of our lives; yet I felt better than I had in years.

After a year of trying to hold onto our marriage, my husband and I decided to divorce. We took a deep breath, smiled shakily at each other, and committed to creating a divorce based on a strong, supportive friendship.

And we have. It hasn’t always been easy, but when things got tense, one of us would inevitably remember that just about nothing was worth not being friends.

I told my ex that I was sorry; that all I had wanted to do was save him. He turned to me and said, “Maybe you did.”

My son’s dad is healthy now. He’s a thoughtful co-parent, a father who is more than just “present” — he’s involved. He has stood by my side through the tough adolescent times and I have to tell you, we are closer friends than we were when we were married.

Our family looks different now. There’s my ex, one of my best friends. There’s our son, remarkably well-adjusted and mostly unaware of how non-traditional this divorce is. And there’s my boyfriend, the proof of how far I’ve come in choosing partners. He is fully capable, does not need saving, and lets me rest the world on his shoulders once in a while. On any given night you might see all of us hanging out, having dinner or celebrating something one of us accomplished. My friends and family are amazed; my dad thinks we’re crazy, and some of my acquaintances are probably appalled. But I think it’s a testament to the fact that just when you think everything is finished … that is just the beginning.

Thinking about divorce? Ginger speaks openly about her marriage:

Ginger Emas is an Atlanta-based writer who believes divorce saved her family. By day she is a freelance business writer; in her “free” time she is the former host of Book Talk with Ginger on America’s Web Radio; a relationship and parenting blogger; author of the book, Back on Top: Fearless Dating after Divorce (Globe Pequot Press c 2009) and motivational speaker for women taking their first high-heeled step back out into the dating world.

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Single Mom Reflections

The thing about being a single mom living with an only child is that my son and I are day-to-day feedback monitors to each other.  I reflect back to him who he is at any given moment – good, great, not so good and everything in between – and he reflects back to me.  I call him on his stuff, he calls me on mine. But the key to making this work – to making any relationship work, really – is that the feedback, the conversation, the critiques and the compliments need to come from the heart. And that takes constant vigilance!

 If I want to teach my son something, I try to take a moment to make sure I am saying it from my heart. My goal is to be real, and to say what I have to say with as much kindness and softness as I can. (Believe me, I don’t always succeed, but this is my goal.) Even when I have to reprimand him or remind him, I try to do it from love.

 Because raising a child (and maybe especially a teenager) seems to all comes down to love. If we didn’t love our children so much, we wouldn’t say no – we’d let them grow up with no rules and no boundaries and they would ultimately turn into adults that they themselves couldn’t stand. If they didn’t mean the world to us, we’d let them get away with everything. And if they didn’t carry little pieces of our hearts and souls within them, they surely could not push our buttons with such precision.

That’s exactly what I told my son today: I love you enough to say no. To sometimes get mad at you. To give you boundaries even if it might be easier to give in and give up. And you will just have to live with that, I said – the knowledge that your mother loves you enough to take a stand and sometimes lose it in front of you. Because even with all that love and my lofty goals, I make mistakes. And one of the things I have learned to embrace and even enjoy (sometimes) is apologizing to my son. It’s like role-modeling a great lesson – owning our mistakes and saying you’re sorry. Learning that two people who love each other are still going to get mad at each other and need to ask for forgiveness. Unfortunately, I’m much harder at forgiving myself than anyone else … more work ahead for me, I guess.

 So forget that Ali McGraw line about “love means never having to say you’re sorry.” That’s bull. Love is saying you’re sorry, sometimes more than once a day, then forgiving each other and moving on.

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